It’s November 1st! The birth month of our precious baby girls. I am so happy, relieved, and amazed to be here, 33 1/2 weeks pregnant and rolling (not quite literally) into the month of November.
Honestly, it feels nothing short of miraculous.
I remember all the feelings I had early on in pregnancy. The fear of having twins, the fear of losing twins, the fear that all these different things could go wrong with my monochorionic identical twin pregnancy. All the risks were clearly presented and I wrestled through every single one. What if this? What if that? What if? What if? What if?
And now here I am, 33 weeks, still pregnant, walking around a harvest festival on Halloween with healthy babies in my belly, eating candy, and feeling pretty good (well, for pregnancy standards). No twin to twin transfusion, no gestational diabetes, not even bed rest. I am amazed. Amazed at how God has carried me through this pregnancy with no problems!
But even as I type these words above, fear creeps in. Don’t get ahead of yourself, Brooke, I caution. They could come today. They could be in the NICU for a month. There could be complications with the delivery. There could be, there could be, there could be.
Sounds a lot like my “what ifs” from earlier.
Sometimes I wonder when I am going to stop being afraid and just trust God. When will I remember to not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own (Matthew 6)? When am I going to learn to fully trust Him with my whole heart, and not hold anything back?
Through this pregnancy He has proven again and again that He is LORD over it. So what am I afraid of?
I haven’t even told you dear friends of all the amazing ways God has confirmed His plan of twins for us through the mouths of my doctors. Through this process I’ve seen probably seven different doctors who have all have said wonderful things about how the babies are growing and how I am doing. They have said things about my frame being good for carrying twins (a shocker to me), how my placenta is placed perfectly, my cervix is basically amazing (a longer story than these parentheses can hold) and how the babies are growing “even stevens” in the womb. In addition to the glowing reports of my cervix, not once, but twice have I heard the phrase “made to have twins” directed at me.
Me? Made to have twins? From the mouth of a medical professional?
Yes, I think I finally believe God has made me to have twins. I often think back and marvel at that conversation with my mentor when I was 8 weeks pregnant. I was blubber crying at the scary, shocking and overwhelming news we were having twins. I was mourning how life would change, how my body would change, how much sleep I would lose, etc. etc. But her calm quiet words keep coming back. She assured me that this had always been part of God’s plan for my life, even if it never was part of my plan. And if it’s always been a part of His plan, then He has prepared the way for it to unfold. He has gone before and after. He’s already been there. Every one of my days has been written in His book before even one of them came to be (Psalm 139). Even the day I will give birth to twins, and the 100 other difficult and wonderful days that will come after. I believe it.
It’s all starting to make sense. Yes, He planned it, He prepared it, He made my body capable, and He (not me) will carry these babies safely into this world. It’s all in His loving, gentle, wise hands. All He asks of me is to stand firm and trust in His good and sovereign character.
So I will try to do just that.