Let’s just pretend you all already know the news. I am having twins! And they’re GIRLS. Identical GIRLS.
I am now 19.5 weeks pregnant. Yes, I am counting half weeks now. My belly is growing mysteriously large by the day, so in this case, I think half a week makes a difference. Don’t you? Just smile and nod.
Anyway, over the past 11.5 weeks that I have known we were having twins, a million different thoughts have gone through my mind. I wish I could share them all with you, dear reader. I wish I could tell you all the little stories that have happened since then. About how I found out at my 8 week appointment all by myself that there were two little babies growing somewhere inside my uterus. Holy cow. Where was my husband!?
About how I noticed two little kidney beans on the ultrasound screen before the midwife had a chance to say anything. About how I had a near out of body experience when she handed me the “mom’s of multiples” pamphlet. What?? This is me? This is my life?
I will say those first few days were very hard. I spent most of that afternoon crying, laughing, or in denial. I had planned to run some errands after my appointment. I didn’t. There was a part of me that wanted to pretend that whole appointment never happened, so we could just watch a movie and enjoy the evening together like we had planned. But we couldn’t. Neither of us slept much that night.
It was at the time the most shocking news I have had in my life, so if I sound like I’m being over dramatic, bear with me. Our family already consists of three children. Three boys, ages 6, 5, and almost 2. Twins were not on my radar nor in my plans for our life. (As if I have that control). We had always said we’d like to have 3 or 4 kids. After our third we were leaning towards three. Things were juuuuust starting to get easier. Enter twins.
So I cried one day as if my life were over. (I’d like to think some pregnancy hormones also played a role.) Truly, I mourned a little for the days I had known. And begrudged the fact that come December I would wave goodbye to the world for probably a year, maybe more. (Okay, maybe that’s an overstatement).
Those were my first thoughts. Not very inspiring, but true.
And then a very wise woman spoke into my life. She spoke about how although these babies had not been a part of my plan, they were always a part of God’s plan for my life. He knew, she said, it would be a huge shock to me, but it was never a shock to Him. He has a plan for these little babies. These lives that He created.
There was something about those thoughts that comforted me. God wasn’t surprised like I was. He had planned this. He was prepared for this. And perhaps in His plans he had also prepared me for this. Even though I wouldn’t have noticed, maybe He has preparing me for a while.
Plans to prosper and not to harm me. To give me a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11).
More than any other pregnancy, this one has shown me who truly is the author of life. It isn’t us. If there’s one thing we can’t control in life, it is when an egg and a sperm meet. Or when an egg divides in two. Yes, there is fertility treatments that can help the process along, but it is STILL in His hands. The Creator of the Universe, then, is the Author of Life. It’s such a simple thought we often miss it.
So I began to be thankful. Thankful for these little lives He was blessing us with. Yes, it would be crazy. Yes, it would be hard. Yes, I wouldn’t sleep much for a while. Yes, I would struggle to nurse two babies. Yes, we will have three kids 2 and under. Yes, we need help. Yes, I will grow a ginormous belly that may never recover. But in the end–children are a blessing. They aren’t a curse. (You’d think I would already know that.) Sadly, it’s easy as a mom to focus on the ways that children can make life more difficult rather than focusing on the joy, love, warmth, and purpose they add to our lives.
I started to embrace my new found identity as a, “mom of multiples.”
And then God did something that totally blew me away. He gave us two GIRLS! At our 17 week ultrasound at the perinatologist, we found out we are having identical twin GIRLS!
I could barely believe it. We had been prepping for the visual of two pee-pees on the ultrasound screen, while holding out a little hope there could maybe possibly just be ONE girl in the mix. But TWO girls? It was the one scenario I hadn’t imagined. I never let my mind go there. It didn’t seem possible. I mean, we have three boys. Logic and science say, we’ll have more!
The day we found out I felt like it was my birthday. I kept thinking of the verse in one of my favorite passages in scripture, “…to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine…” (Ephesians 3:20). It was way more than I could have imagined. Or asked. Two girls. Amazing. I could barely ask for one!
With the news of twins, God was showing me that He is in control. He has plans for my life, and things He wants to teach me that I had no idea about. With the news of twin GIRLS, I felt like God was just pouring out His love and grace upon me. He was showing me that He loves to give us good gifts. He loves to lavish us, surprise us. He is amazingly kind and generous. Like no other.
What will He teach me next? I have no idea.
But I am learning to trust Him, for He knows the way. This road before us is totally unknown to me, but thankfully, not to Him. There are a thousand things I could worry about. When will they come? Will they be premature? Will I be on bed rest? Will any of the scary complications happen to me? How big will my belly get? How will I even wash dishes or take care of my 2 year old? How, how, how will this all work out?
Everything is new and unfamiliar, and when that happens to me questions and anxiety abound. But by God’s grace, for the moment I am calm. I am trying to take Him at His word, and question a whole lot less. Because I know He loves me and He leads me. I am safe with Him.
** I wrote this a few weeks ago, but never posted it. Currently, I am 22 weeks! Still going strong, praise God!**